Posts Tagged ‘qualifications’

Here is a sample cover letter. Note that it includes the two key elements of an effective cover letter: why you give a flying jockstrap about them, and concrete examples of how you can help them fulfill all their wildest fantasies. Or at least some of them.

Dear Okra-Man,Super Broccoli

I’m very interested in joining your team at Vegan-Superheroes, Inc.  I recently read on veggieherochronicle.com about how your organization is looking to develop your green capabilities. As my particular superpower is emitting highly charged electromagnetic forces after consuming broccoli, I’m confident I would be a valuable addition to your team.

As you can see from my resume, I initiated chlorophyll-induced power-trances at Niblets Corp., which directly resulted in raising our mega-power capabilities in the must-be-a-f*cking-miracle body healing sector by 300%.

Although I specialize in broccoli-related powers, I’ve also improved the quality of drinking water in multiple urban centers by regurgitating magic neurons into their water supplies after ingesting brussel sprouts and Swiss chard.

I would love to talk with you further about your needs at Vegan-Superheroes. You can reach me at 555-555-5555 or greenisgood@gmail.com.

Thank you for your consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

Spew-Green-Magic Man

 

Check out Explode, a comedy thriller/mystery novel. Spontaneous human combustion, or murder?

Here is an excerpt from What Color is Your Straitjacket? A Pocket Guide to Getting and Keeping a Job Without Going Wacko, soon to be available as an e-book.

Resumes — The Good, the Bad and the Ridiculous

Your resume needs to demonstrate your skills and how they can assist an organization in achieving their wet dreams. Here is a sample:

BEELZEBUB SATANOSKY
145 Fire Avenue, Underworld Village, TX
666-666-6666     reallyreallybad@aol.com

SKILLS

·    Branding
·    Speaking in tongues
·    Recruiting politicians
·    Creating and using torture devices
·    Stoking fires
·    Turning into a black pillar of smoke and killing people

ACCOMPLISHMENTS

·    Initiated red and black as a fashion statement
·    Generated fear in otherwise rational humans
·    Developed torture management system, resulting in 95% torture rate
·    Successfully bargained with former U.S. leaders to f*ck up the country

PROFESSIONAL HISTORY

President, Washington, D.C.                            2000-2008
·    Almost singlehandedly flushed an entire nation down the toilet
·    Pretended to look for bad-ass weapons
·    Vacationed
·    Developed strategy for invading all countries starting with “I”
·    Successfully maintained focus on golf game during national crises
·    Delegated intellectually challenging tasks
·    Mangled the English language, causing linguists throughout the world
to cringe in horror
·    Waited for retroactive popularity to kick in

Senator, Washington, D.C.                            1947-1957
·    Created lists of thinking people and arrested them
·    Encouraged grownups to tattle on each other to get out of trouble
·    Caused massive unemployment among aforementioned thinking people
·    Threw liberals in jail

EDUCATION

B.S. in Pitchfork Probing, University of Torture

When you’re looking for a job, you long to make employers salivate over you. So what the hell do they want from you? Here are some qualities employers look for, besides of course specific job skills that will help them solve their problems:

  • Good hygiene. That may seem like a no-brainer, and if it does then you probably don’t have anything to worry about. Unfortunately, there are some of you perched at a table at the corner Starbuck’s reading this post while your co-caffeinates are edging away from you in disgust at this very moment. If so, I can only hope someone somewhere will be bold enough to tell you who you are.
  • Intelligence and ability to problem-solve. Needless to say,  employers like to hire smart people who can figure out how to slay dragons without creating a mess. Unless the hiring manager himself is an idiot. If, however, he is a self-aware idiot, he will still want to hire people who are intelligent enough to offset his idiocy. If he’s not a self-aware idiot, though, you may be out of luck. But then, would you really want to work for an idiot anyway?
  • Dependability. Employers want to know they can rely on you to show up and do a good job. Of course, stuff happens. But if you have a track record of not meeting expectations and/or causing your colleagues to wonder if you keeled over in your apartment the night before and are lying on the floor with a head injury, you’re not doing so well.
  • Initiative and independence. Employers usually appreciate the ability to generate ideas and work on your own, without always having to be told what to do or having your boss’s hot breath on your neck (not particularly fun for you either, especially if she had garlic at lunch).
  • Ability to be a team player. If you can work independently while simultaneously playing nice with the other kids, you’ve got it made.
  • Ability to multi-task. Can you listen to your messages, compose an email, and compliment the co-worker standing behind you on his tie? If so, you probably have A.D.D., along with eyes in the back of your head. But you get the idea.
  • Flexibility. No, you don’t have to be a contortionist who can wrap your legs around your neck, although that would interesting. Employers do value the ability and willingness to cheerily adapt to unanticipated situations and new challenges, though.
  • Tech-savvy-ness. If you’ve never heard the term “social media” you’re in trouble. It would be kinda like not knowing how to use a phone at this point in our evolution. You want to keep yourself up-to-date not only on technology, but whatever other skills are particular to your field as well.
  • Sense of humor and pleasantness to work with. Most people don’t want to work with dour assholes. Not much more to say about that.
  • Giving a crap. Employers want to hire people who care about what they do and the quality of their work, care about the companies they work for, and care about their co-workers. Or at least are really really good at faking it.

In my job, I see many resumes from desperate job seekers who seem to think the resume spew approach will land them interviews, in much the same way lottery-players think that, even though the odds of their winning are something like one in 10,000, they actually have a shot.

In case you have no idea what the resume spew approach is, it’s the dubious method of job search that consists of spewing your resume out all over the place, to any job you think you may have a chance in hell at.

Usually the resume spew doesn’t include a resume that emphasizes the skills and experience that match what the employer’s looking for, or a cover letter targeted to the specific employer(s) you’re sending it to, telling them how you can help them solve their problems with your talents and experience, much less who they are and why you’re interested in them, as opposed to the other 99 companies to which you spewed your resume. Mostly it doesn’t even reflect jobs or companies that are even remotely a match with your background.

Guess what? The spew doesn’t work. Employers want to know why you’re interested in them, and how you can help them. They don’t want to know that you just found them on the first page of monster.com because their company name starts with “A,” and that you couldn’t give a crap about them specifically. Giving a crap is one of the main things employers look for (more about that in a later post). When you spew, you just piss employers off. Not exactly your goal when you’re looking for a job.