Posts Tagged ‘funny’

Gift for teachers, writers, lovers of all that is literate, and all who recoil at the sight of a misplaced modifier.

http://www.zazzle.com/horrified_harriet_sweatshirt-235848196594719985

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New mugs on zazzle:love & neurosis mug available on zazzle

Sucking lemons mug

Love & neurosis mug 


sucking lemons mug available on zazzle

Enter a caption

Just started a store on Zazzle – they have t-shirts, mugs, a lot of other fun stuff.

Here’s my first product:

 

sucking lemons funny t-shirt

I’m currently working on the second comedy thriller in the Silver & D.J. series, Dying Upside Down:

Michael is found hanging upside down in a sex harness wearing nothing but pink lace panties, strangled by the matching bra stuffed down his throat.

Stay tuned for more!

Here’s the first one: Explode

For those of us for whom Hallmark sentiments don’t quite ring true, here is my contribution to Mother’s Day, re-posted from several years back.

1. Have sex with younger men.industrial underwear

2. Have sex.

3. Never buy a plastic rain bonnet.

4. Don’t wear underwear that could be used as an Ace bandage.

5. Occasionally venture outside a 2-mile radius of my house.

6. Refrain from wearing clothing that covers every part of my body that looks imperfect.

7. Don’t buy generic ice cream.

8. Never use the phrase, “in my day….”

9. Don’t buy a cabinet and keep figurines of cute animals in it.

10. Never say to a friend in a restaurant, “I can’t eat anything on the menu, but it’s okay – I’ll eat when I get home.”

 

Explode, a comedy thriller….Spontaneous human combustion, or murder? 

horrified expression

1.  There’ll be a bit of a delay, folks—there’s a slight problem with the engine.
2.  Oh good, there’s an extra barf bag in this row.
3.  Sorry for the delay—we’ll be taking off as soon as the pilot sobers up.
4.  I can’t seem to stop eating these peanuts, even though they make me really gassy.
5.  We’ll be starting our descent in…uh-oh.
6.  Ladies and gentlemen, please observe the “fasten seat belt” sign until we can figure out what’s causing the plane to shudder.
7.  Folks, if you look out your window, you’ll see…Oh my God, what is THAT?!
8.  My baby hates flying. Here, take my earplugs.
9.  We don’t want to alarm anyone, but several of your fellow passengers seem to have disappeared.
10.  Everyone duck!

With the Oscars coming up, I’ve been going to see as many Best Picture nominees as I can squeeze into my weekends.   film director

Here’s some haiku for a few of them. If you’re not familiar with haiku, it’s a form of poetry consisting of 3 lines, with 5 syllables in the first and third lines and 7 syllables in the second.

Les Mis – lovesick girl
The guy’s into someone else
Get a clue – move on

Silver Lining plot:
Bradley Cooper runs amok
Finds girl, settles down

Lincoln – such a mensch
Wish I could go back in time
And, well – you can guess

Zero Dark Thirty
It’s hard to have a sex life
While waterboarding

Argo – fake movie
Got those people the hell out
Ben with a beard – nice!

or,

How Many Verizon Employees Does it Take to Connect
a Wire?

Congratulations, Verizon. I know you’re honored to receive this award. In case you don’t know how you happened to be chosen, allow me to tell you my story.

I finally made it into the millennium and got a smartphone, which is infinitely smarter than your customer service people seem to be. I cancelled my landline service, with corresponding re-routing of the internet service on my laptop to “dry loop” (does that mean the wires on a phone connected to the internet are “wet loop?” Sounds kinda risky to me). This re-routing process, as the customer service rep who took the information (and at least five subsequent tech support reps) informed me, is supposed to happen automatically with no interruption in internet service. Which it did, if “no interruption” can be defined as “bit the dust for eight days with thirteen (literally; I counted) hour-long phone calls to Verizon in vain attempts to fix the problem, with the complete impossibility of speaking with the same person twice.”

Every day on the phone (often after more than twenty minutes to even find my account in the system), it was like the calls before never happened, and I had to start from scratch every time, like in “Groundhog Day.” “Put on your booties, ‘cuz it’s cold outside – it’s Verizon Clusterf*ck Day!”

The highlight was the day when, after ten calls and twenty minutes of waiting for the twit on the other end of the phone to find me in the system, he finally came back on the line and said, “So what’s the problem again?”

“Okay,” I said. “I think I need to hang up now, because I’m going to lose it.” I put the phone down and hollered into the sink.

When I finally spoke with a supervisor who seemed at last to figure out what the problem was (my internet service was apparently still connected with the landline phone number that no longer existed, and a missing wire also seemed to be involved), he promised that my service would be back up the next day. It wasn’t. Since he actually told me his last name and location, I tried to contact him to see what happened, figuring I might have better luck with someone who at least seemed to have decent critical thinking skills and already knew my situation.

Alas, my efforts to locate this person were in vain. The office he was in, in Andover, Massachusetts, I naively thought would be easy enough to find via Google or Smartpages. But as I soon discovered, Verizon, any actual offices of yours seem to be in an alternate dimension on the time-space continuum, like the island on “Lost.” I know it must be there, but I can’t ever get to it. Perhaps it’s stuck in 1974, before the internet existed.

The 12th call finally yielded an allegedly scheduled visit from tech support the next day, in one of those 4-hour blocks (this is done so that the tech people can catch up on daytime TV in between appointments, without having to stick to an actual schedule). Yes, I said “allegedly scheduled visit.” This is because they didn’t show up. And when I called around 11:15 (call number 13), I found out that, after the 45-minute call the night before, the person I talked to figured out that something needed to be connected in the office (a few brain circuits, perhaps?), so they didn’t need to come out. Of course, no one called to tell me that.

Finally, the supervisor I talked with checked into the Grand Clusterf*ck and, miracle of miracles, got my service back on (thank you, Karen – you were a beacon of light in the depths of the abyss).

Thank you, Verizon, for giving me a few more gray hairs in my eyebrows to pluck. Keep up the good work – if you play your cards right, you’ll torture enough customers to put the company out of business. One can only hope….

Jimmy Stewart meltdown

This is actually re-posted from last year, with additions (I thought of 5 more reasons).

 1.   Employers ARE hiring, despite the common misconception that everyone’s in Bermuda.

2.   There’s less competition, since a lot of job seekers think everyone’s in Bermuda.

3.   It’ll keep your momentum going, and make it less likely you’ll hop into a bathtub full of water and plug in your electric toothbrush.

4.   All those holiday parties are great opportunities to network. And scarf down free food.

5.   You’ll soon get sick of staring at the TV and watching Jimmy Stewart have a meltdown.

6.   A lot of companies start their fiscal year in January,  so they want to get the newbies in there as soon as all the holiday crap is over.

7.   There’s always the chance a manager could be inspired to hire you while snockered on spiked eggnog.

8.   How many times can you listen to songs about homicidal reindeer?

9.   The hiring manager is more likely to bring you on-board out of holiday spirit despite the embezzlement charges.

10.   Job search can generally be more fun during the holidays, since a lot of people are jollier than usual. Not me, but a lot of people.

Seems like all we hear these days is branding this, branding that. We must brand ourselves, professionally speaking, if we want to be taken seriously. If you’re looking for a job, that goes double for you.

But what happens when we have more than one interest that we’re trying to pursue; different images – sometimes conflicting – that we want to project and promote? Are we splitting ourselves in two? And if so, which self will win??

Yes folks, I myself am suffering from Multiple Branding Disorder. I currently have 3 online selves, sort of: one as Employment Counselor, one as MarCom Writer, and my third alter-ego, Comedy Writer. Since I have a lot of years of experience as a career counselor, I’ve mostly branded myself blogwise as the Employment Counselor/Comedy Writer Combo Pack, with an occasional MarCom Writer snippet thrown in.

But now I’m focusing on a comedy thriller I’m working on (“Explode”), and want to brand myself as both my Comedy Writer self and my MarCom Writer self, since that’s my day- job- career path. I have to re-brand myself and hang out with my comedy-and-mystery-writer Twitter-peeps, rather than my job counselor ones. Plus, some of my comedy stuff is edgier than some job hunters looking for job search advice might think of as, uh, appropriate.  Which means I’ll likely lose the folks that are mostly interested in job search advice, and don’t give a crap about the comedy. But that’s the way the branding iron sizzles.

Nevertheless, here comes some branding advice for job seekers:

  • The self you most want to focus on at this point is how you should brand yourself.
  • If you have more than one self you want to project, it’s okay if there’s some overlap, unless you’re simultaneously trying to brand yourself as conservative religious Republican and porn star. In which case, good luck to you.
  • If some would-be employers are less than enthusiastic about the you that you’re projecting, then guess what? Those aren’t the right employers for you at this point in your life, anyway.
  • Here’s my shameless self-plug: though I’ll mostly be concentrating on my novel, this blog has a plethora of posts already on various job search topics, so feel free to peruse.