Posts Tagged ‘dark humor’

Does anyone else find the whole concept of The Parent Trap profoundly disturbing?? Maybe it’s because I lost my father when I was eight, but I find the whole idea kind of warped. parent-trapYou’ve got two parents who each not only abandon one of their children, but keep two sisters — twins, yet — separated without telling them that the other one even exists.

I’d like to write an alternate version of the story entitled The Parent Trap — the Dark Side. Separated in infancy serial-killerand left without conscious knowledge of their loss, the twins develop severe attachment disorders and become serial killers.

I could see it as an SNL episode.

Actually, writing alternate versions of films could be interesting. How about Saving Private Ryan as a romantic comedy? Or Godfather II — The Musical.

Or how about incongruent screen couples: Vanessa Redgrave and Pauly Shore. Or Emma Thompson and Sylvester Stallone. Judi Dench and Billy Crystal. These are the things I think about when I can’t sleep at two in the morning.

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Awhile ago, I had a strange experience when leaving my apartment one morning. The night before, I had had one of those pseudo-heart-attack incidents. You know, when you wake up at three in the morning feeling like an orangutan is sitting on your chest and wonder if you’re actually having a heart attack, or if you should just take a Zantac and go back to bed.

I went over my checklist. Can I get up and move around? Can I take deep yoga breaths? If I’m capable of going through a checklist, does that mean I’m probably not having a heart attack? I did, in fact, end up taking the Zantac and going to sleep.

When I left my apartment the next day, I saw my neighbor unlocking her door. I said hi to her. No response. I saihorrified expressiond hello again, somewhat louder. Still nothing. I passed a woman on the bike path and smiled at her. She didn’t seem to notice me. Then it hit me. Maybe I’m dead. Like Bruce Willis in The Sixth Sense, no one seemed to be able to see or hear me. Maybe it was a heart attack, and I only thought I went back to sleep and woke up the next day. I did, however, remember peeing that morning. Do dead people pee? Wouldn’t Bruce Willis’s character have noticed that he never had to go to the bathroom, and suspected something was amiss? Of course, maybe if I were actually dead, I only imagined peeing, to maintain the illusion. If I were going to imagine stuff, maybe I could imagine having sex with George Clooney. At least that would make it worthwhile.

Needless to say, I was eventually both seen and heard by living people, so I figured I wasn’t dead after all. Unless, of course, we’re all in denial …