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Trumpageddon Rescue Fantasy #1:

Florky, having failed in his mission to banish Trump to a far-away galaxy, decided to try Plan B—a brain transplant. But would Oprah agree to be the donor?

florky

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Distracted by all the wonderful oddities that surrounded him, Florky almost forgot that he was here to save humanity.

His first mission was to find this Trump, take him several light-years away, and then dump him back on Earth—so that by the time he returned, humanity would have either evolved past him, or become extinct.

Florky only had one question. What the hell was a Trump?

florky

http://www.zazzle.com/funny_florky_dump_trump_mug-168675496066347179

http://www.zazzle.com/florky_halloween_hoodie-235206642620071688

Florky wandered around Harvard Square, observing the strange costumflorkyes of the humans swarming around him. For a thrilling moment, he thought he saw his cousin crossing Mt. Auburn Street, but it turned out to be just a human in a Kepler suit….

http://www.zazzle.com/funny_florky_halloween_t_shirt-235424119940756092

Gift for teachers, writers, lovers of all that is literate, and all who recoil at the sight of a misplaced modifier.

http://www.zazzle.com/horrified_harriet_sweatshirt-235848196594719985

Gifts for friends, family, people you love, people you like, and people you know who are just a little bit weird.

http://www.zazzle.com/snarkydoodles/products?st=date_created

florky-mug

New mugs on zazzle:love & neurosis mug available on zazzle

Sucking lemons mug

Love & neurosis mug 


sucking lemons mug available on zazzle

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Laurie Holman: Comedy Writer, Copywriter, Chocolate Connoisseur

For those of us for whom Hallmark sentiments don’t quite ring true, here is my contribution to Mother’s Day, re-posted from several years back.

1. Have sex with younger men.industrial underwear

2. Have sex.

3. Never buy a plastic rain bonnet.

4. Don’t wear underwear that could be used as an Ace bandage.

5. Occasionally venture outside a 2-mile radius of my house.

6. Refrain from wearing clothing that covers every part of my body that looks imperfect.

7. Don’t buy generic ice cream.

8. Never use the phrase, “in my day….”

9. Don’t buy a cabinet and keep figurines of cute animals in it.

10. Never say to a friend in a restaurant, “I can’t eat anything on the menu, but it’s okay – I’ll eat when I get home.”

Explode, a comedy thriller….Spontaneous human combustion, or murder? 

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With the help of WordPress templates, I’ve restructured, reorganized, rebranded and regurgitated (figuratively speaking) the Laurie’s Job Search Tidbits site. May it rest in peace.

The site is now known as Laurie Holman: Funny Writer, the better to promote my soon-to-be-available-as-an-ebook comedy thriller/mystery, Explode. And also to put more focus on my copywriting and marketing self, as well as my comedy self.

There’s still a plethora (don’t you love that word?) of job search info here (under Topics on the left sidebar). And if you’re a mystery and/or a humor fan, I’ll be adding some fun new stuff to the site, so keep an eye out (but please put it back in before you drive. Unless you live in Boston, in which case driving with one eye would probably be to your advantage).

Congratulations – you have a job offer! All those months (years?) of job hunting; sending targeted resumes and cover letters to hiring managers showing them how you can impale their nasty little dragons on the head of a spear; enduring the smirks of passersby on the street after a networking event because you forgot to take off your name tag. You’ve been offered the job you wanted and a salary that will allow you to pay your Verizon bill from 3 months ago and stop rationing the toilet paper.

Now what? Do you just take the salary that’s offered, ‘cuz you’re just so happy to have the job? Do you stammer, “Do you think maybe you could go just a wee bit higher?” I think you know the answer to that. Keep in mind that every job/salary affects your financial situation for years to come, probably for the rest of your life (how’s that for pressure?).

Here are some don’ts when it comes to negotiating salary.

  • Don’t be too humble. I am, of course, assuming that you wouldn’t literally bend down to the floor and chant, “I’m not worthy, I’m not worthy!” But sometimes people are so grateful to have a job offer, especially after a long and difficult search, that they aren’t assertive enough about what they’re worth. You wouldn’t be getting hired if the employer didn’t think you have a lot to offer, so you want to approach the negotiation process with an “I’m awesome, you’re awesome” mindset. Remember the whole “mutual benefit” thing.
  • Don’t take the first offer without negotiating at all. Your new employer expects you to negotiate. If you don’t, it makes you look  a. desperate,  b. insecure,  c. gutless,  and  d. kinda goofy. Not a good way to start off in a new job. Even if the company has a tight budget, if they’re doing well enough to hire a new employee, they have some leeway in the salary range. Even if it’s a nonprofit, don’t assume they can’t be flexible. The range may be smaller for a 5-person nonprofit than for a Fortune 500 company, but there still is one (range, that is). I did once get hired years ago for a position with the City of Boston that boasted a non-negotiable salary of $14.63 an hour (how the hell did they come up with THAT figure??), but that’s pretty rare. So negotiate if you want your new employer’s respect!
  • Don’t be out in left field with your counteroffer. Do your research so you know what your market value is, based on the position, your level of experience, and the city you’re in. The typical salary range for a software developer is a bit different in New York City than Butte, Montana. Look on sites like salary.com, glassdoor.com and payscale.com for info.
  • Don’t give too specific a salary when asked for your requirement. “I figured out I need $53,400 to be able to pay my bills” is not a good answer. Give a wide range; $50 – 60K is the range I’m focusing on” is much better.
  • Don’t give your current or recent salary in your cover letter or in an interview (don’t give a fake one, either). It’s really not the employer’s business what you made before; it’s their business what they should pay you based on your experience. If asked this question, give your target range instead (be upfront about it; don’t pretend your target range is your recent salary).
  • If you have absolutely no clue what salary range they’re offering by the second interview, ask (something like, “Could you give me an idea what the salary range is, so we know we’re in the same ballpark?”). If it’s outlandishly below your range, say so (not in those exact words). No point in wasting your or their time if they’re paying $30,000 below what you need to buy cat food. That goes double if the interview is in another state.
  • If you find out when you get an offer that the salary is just a tad lower than your range, express enthusiasm about the job and see if you can negotiate up. If not, try to negotiate other benefits – early salary review, bonus, extra vacation time, tuition reimbursement, discount card for Whole Foods, time-share in the Cayman Islands, date with the sexy admin assistant guy, etc. Just kidding about the last three. But you knew that.
  • Don’t assume the offer is carved in stone if it’s just verbal. Once you have a salary that’s mutually agreeable, get it in writing.

Here’s an excerpt from “What Color is Your Straitjacket? – A Pocket Guide to Getting and Keeping a Job Without Going Wacko” available as an ebook, http://www.lulu.com/product/ebook/what-color-is-your-straitjacket-a-pocket-guide-to-getting-and-keeping-a-job-without-going-wacko/14601180

GIVE ‘EM WHAT THEY WANT – MAKE YOURSELF LESS LAYOFFABLE

In general, your employer will want to keep you around and you’ll be much less layoffable not just because you smell good, but because:

  • you have a positive attitude – no one wants to work with Whiny Guy
  • you’re flexible – not flexible like you can wrap both legs around your neck, but rather like you’re willing to go with the flow and do things outside your job description, like clean the john when the company can no longer afford a maintenance person
  • you’re dependable – you’re there, you’re ready to go, you’re the go-to guy; the one everyone automatically turns to with really dumb questions that have nothing whatsoever to do with your job
  • you give a crap about the company and your co-workers
  • you’re easy to get along with – you aren’t more than mildly irritating, you treat everyone with respect, and you don’t bitch-slap your boss when he annoys you
  • you’re honest – you don’t steal your co-worker’s lunch from the fridge when you think no one is looking
  • you’re presentable – you don’t embarrass your boss in a meeting with clients by telling jokes about whores
  • you refrain from getting involved in office gossip – don’t spread those rumors about the director hitting on an employee in a trannie bar
  • you have unique skills the company needs – you’re the only one in the company who can figure out how the old toaster oven works
  • you take initiative – don’t wait to be asked; think up stuff that’ll not only keep the company from flushing itself down the sewer but even help them make lottsa money
  • you keep your skills and attitude current – if you’re still referring to your PC as “that confounded machine” you may be gone a helluva lot faster than it will
  • you’re eager to learn new skills – eager in a professional way, of course – not eager like a cocker spaniel puppy panting to go take a whiz in the yard