Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

There’s a support group for just about everything. People who eat too much, people who love too much, people who binge on too much 90s TV, single parents, parents who have turned into their parents, parents who secretly wish they weren’t parents.

But the one support group that doesn’t exist is one for getting older. And I’m not talking about senior groups that take bus trips to Atlantic City. Or 50-plus yoga-goddess circles. I mean groups where people talk about the stuff that people don’t want to talk about — like how aging is a constant readjustment of self-image.

aging grapesPart of aging is looking at yourself in the mirror and saying, “What’s this? Never seen that before.” Weird things appear on your body. Stuff shifts around. There are creaking sounds. Sudden pains inexplicably come and go. You become invisible to the male eye. You have to accept the fact that you’re inching closer to death, and that you can’t shop at the Gap anymore.

If all that doesn’t warrant a support group, I don’t know what does.

Not that aging doesn’t have its compensations. There’s the wisdom bit; learning from all the dumb things you did when you were young enough to get away with almost anything (“yeah, I won’t ever do that again!”). Plus, you can walk past a construction site without being leered at. And if you have grandkids, you get to spoil them with all the crap their parents won’t let them have. And eventually, people will think you’re cute and offer you a seat on the train. Well, maybe.

 

Check out Explode, a comedy thriller/mystery novel. Spontaneous human combustion, or murder?

A little-known holiday secret is that Santa’s reindeer were not the original crew. The first group was fired. Here are some haiku to tell their story:


Stinker the reindeer

Had hygiene issues, it’s true
Hold your nose tonight

Cramper was fired next
Could only work once a month
Christmas Eve or notSanta's not pleased

Klutzer really triedreindeer splat
But tripped over his own hooves
Kept crashing the sleigh

Shmutzen loved carpets
Had lint all over his fur
Gave Claus sneezing fits

Wobbler drank a lot
Couldn’t fly in a straight line
It was a problem

Puker, poor Puker
For quite obvious reasons
Didn’t last too long

Stupid was confused
Why work on a holiday?
They tried to explain

Svitzen splattered sweat
All over everybody
The sleigh smelled like mold

Last of all, Foodolph
Beat Santa to the cookies
Every single time

 

Check out Explode, a comedy thriller/mystery novel. Spontaneous human combustion, or murder?

The toupee was invented in 1592, when bald Prince Combover slid across the floor and injured himself while attempting a headstand. At this crucial turning point in history, men decided (apparently oblivious to many people’s attraction to elongated foreheads) that even bad hair was better than no hair.

The first toupee was made out of pig whiskers. However, this was not only excruciatingly uncomfortable, but had the unfortunate consequence of causing the men who wore these hairpieces to squeal at inopportune moments.

Cat hair was the next material to be attempted, but this was abandoned after the wearers began to cough up hairballs. After the cat hairpieces lost their popularity, hairmakers graduated to dog hair. Regrettably, not only did the wearers develop a flea problem, but also a disconcerting penchant for fire hydrants.

From dog hair, toupee-makers resorted to synthetic materials such as polyethylene, which they shaped with scissors and fitted onto the scalp. However, this material was quite flammable, and men’s heads frequently ignited when they attempted to light their dates’ cigarettes.

The next attempt was with polyester fibers similar to those used in carpets, which were also shaped with scissors — hence the term, “cutting a rug.” Dust mites made these hairpieces unbearably itchy, and the rug shampoo used to clean them caused any real hair underneath to turn green and fall out.

Hair artists, as wig makers preferred to be called, then went through several other materials, including dyed plant leaves. Not only did these hairpieces look ridiculous, but the men wearing them developed a fear of cats, as they would often pounce on the men’s heads and eat the leaves.

Subsequently, the practice of using real human hair was developed by a funeral director. Alarmingly, the wearers of these toupees often took on the characteristics of what later became known through popular films as the “living dead,” much to the consternation of their loved ones.

At this point, bald men began the horrifying practice of flinging their side hairs across their scalps, as if this was fooling anybody. Unfortunately, this practice is still used now and then, for some unfathomable reason.

Toupees are now nearly obsolete, since most men embrace their baldness at this point in history. For the ones who don’t, current technology exists that allows them to sprout hair like chia seeds. You can still occasionally catch a glimpse of a hairpiece from times gone by that may compel you to ask the wearer, “Is that your real hair, or did an otter die on your head?”

 

Check out Explode, a comedy thriller/mystery novel. Spontaneous human combustion, or murder?

Does anyone else find the whole concept of The Parent Trap profoundly disturbing?? Maybe it’s because I lost my father when I was eight, but I find the whole idea kind of warped. parent-trapYou’ve got two parents who each not only abandon one of their children, but keep two sisters — twins, yet — separated without telling them that the other one even exists.

I’d like to write an alternate version of the story entitled The Parent Trap — the Dark Side. Separated in infancy serial-killerand left without conscious knowledge of their loss, the twins develop severe attachment disorders and become serial killers.

I could see it as an SNL episode.

Actually, writing alternate versions of films could be interesting. How about Saving Private Ryan as a romantic comedy? Or Godfather II — The Musical.

Or how about incongruent screen couples: Vanessa Redgrave and Pauly Shore. Or Emma Thompson and Sylvester Stallone. Judi Dench and Billy Crystal. These are the things I think about when I can’t sleep at two in the morning.

scary-words-bigger

 

 

Florky wandered around Harvard Square, observing the strange costumflorkyes of the humans swarming around him. For a thrilling moment, he thought he saw his cousin crossing Mt. Auburn Street, but it turned out to be just a human in a Kepler suit….

http://www.zazzle.com/funny_florky_halloween_t_shirt-235424119940756092

Gift for teachers, writers, lovers of all that is literate, and all who recoil at the sight of a misplaced modifier.

http://www.zazzle.com/horrified_harriet_sweatshirt-235848196594719985

Gifts for friends, family, people you love, people you like, and people you know who are just a little bit weird.

http://www.zazzle.com/snarkydoodles/products?st=date_created

florky-mug

New mugs on zazzle:

love & neurosis mug available on zazzle

Love stays fresh when neuroses mesh.

Sucking lemons mug

Love & neurosis mug 

 

sucking lemons mug available on zazzle

When life gives you lemons … suck.

 

Just started a store on Zazzle — they have t-shirts, mugs and a lot of other fun stuff.

Here’s my first product:

 

sucking lemons funny t-shirt

When life gives you lemons … suck.