Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

The toupee was invented in 1592, when bald Prince Combover slid across the floor and injured himself while attempting a headstand. At this crucial turning point in history, men decided (apparently oblivious to many people’s attraction to elongated foreheads) that even bad hair was better than no hair.

The first toupee was made out of pig whiskers. However, this was not only excruciatingly uncomfortable, but had the unfortunate consequence of causing the men who wore these hairpieces to squeal at inopportune moments.

Cat hair was the next material to be attempted, but this was abandoned after the wearers began to cough up hairballs. After the cat hairpieces lost their popularity, hairmakers graduated to dog hair. Regrettably, not only did the wearers develop a flea problem, but also a rather disconcerting penchant for fire hydrants.

From dog hair, toupee-makers resorted to synthetic materials such as polyethylene, which they shaped with scissors and fitted onto the scalp. However, this material was quite flammable, and men’s heads frequently ignited when they attempted to light their dates’ cigarettes.

The next attempt was with polyester fibers similar to those used in carpets, which were also shaped with scissors – hence the term, “cutting a rug.” Dust mites made these hairpieces unbearably itchy, and the rug shampoo used to clean them caused any real hair underneath to turn green and fall out.

Hair artists, as wig makers preferred to be called, then went through several other materials, including dyed plant leaves. Not only did these hairpieces look ridiculous, but the men wearing them developed a fear of cats, as they would often pounce on the men’s heads and eat the leaves.

Subsequently, the practice of using real human hair was developed by a funeral director. Alarmingly, the wearers of these toupees often took on the characteristics of what later became known through popular films as the “living dead,” much to the consternation of their loved ones.

At this point, bald men began the horrifying practice of flinging their side hairs across their scalps, as if this were fooling anybody. Unfortunately, this practice is still used now and then, for some unfathomable reason.

Toupees are now nearly obsolete, since most men embrace their baldness at this point in history. For the ones who don’t, current technology exists that allows them to sprout hair like chia seeds. Occasionally, though, one catches a glimpse of a hairpiece from times gone by, that may compel one to ask the wearer, “Is that your real hair, or did an otter die on your head?”

 

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Okay, does anyone else find the whole concept of The Parent Trap profoundly disturbing?? Maybe it’s because I lost my father when I was eight, but I find the whole idea kind of warped. parent-trapYou’ve got two parents who each not only effectively abandon one of their children, but keep two sisters—twins, yet—separated without telling them that the other one even exists.

I’d like to write an alternate version of the story entitled The Parent Trap—the Dark Side. Separated in infancy serial-killerand left without conscious knowledge of their loss, the twins develop severe attachment disorders and become serial killers.

I could see it as an SNL episode….

Actually, writing alternate versions of films could be interesting. How about Saving Private Ryan as a romantic comedy? Or Godfather II—The Musical.

Or how about incongruent screen couples: Vanessa Redgrave and Pauly Shore. Or Emma Thompson and Sylvester Stallone. Judi Dench and Billy Crystal. These are the things I think about when I can’t sleep at two in the morning….

scary-words-bigger

 

 

Florky wandered around Harvard Square, observing the strange costumflorkyes of the humans swarming around him. For a thrilling moment, he thought he saw his cousin crossing Mt. Auburn Street, but it turned out to be just a human in a Kepler suit….

http://www.zazzle.com/funny_florky_halloween_t_shirt-235424119940756092

Gift for teachers, writers, lovers of all that is literate, and all who recoil at the sight of a misplaced modifier.

http://www.zazzle.com/horrified_harriet_sweatshirt-235848196594719985

Gifts for friends, family, people you love, people you like, and people you know who are just a little bit weird.

http://www.zazzle.com/snarkydoodles/products?st=date_created

florky-mug

New mugs on zazzle:love & neurosis mug available on zazzle

Sucking lemons mug

Love & neurosis mug 


sucking lemons mug available on zazzle

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Just started a store on Zazzle – they have t-shirts, mugs, a lot of other fun stuff.

Here’s my first product:

 

sucking lemons funny t-shirt

I broke my wrist last February (same night as the Superbowl); slipped on the ice.

As I lay on the sidewalk, my grocery bag on its side with most of the contents spilled out, I tried to move my wrist, and was pretty sure it was broken. I evaluated my options. I knew my BFF/roommate was home; maybe I should just call him and have him pick me up off the ground and take me to the hospital. But then, my groceries might go bad.

I decided to try to make it home. Clutching the bag with my good arm, my other dangling by my side like a broken chicken wing, I walked the couple of blocks back to my place. When I walked in, my roommate was relaxing on the couch, watching the game. “I think you have to take me to the emergency room,” I said.

He looked at my dangling arm and obligingly got up, turned off the T.V., and took the grocery bag from my hand. “Could you put the perishables in the fridge?” I asked. He opened the refrigerator and tossed the bag inside, and we left for the hospital.

Sitting in the emergency room, I faced my first challenge when I had to pee. Would I be able to unzip my pants? How could I pull my jeans back up over my hips with one hand (not always easy even with two hands)?

Having made it over that hurdle, I was examined, x-rayed, and splinted, with a cast to come. I was told I had broken my radius and ulna, which sounded vaguely sexual. Apparently the ulna wasn’t something to worry about, even though a piece of it could actually break off, permanently adrift inside my body. Hopefully it won’t wander into my brain or intestines – the two organs you least want to be poked with something sharp.

Breaking a limb is pretty overwhelming, particularly when you don’t have a spouse or partner to help with all that daily-living stuff you never realized you needed two arms for, like flossing. Although I’m not sure flossing someone’s teeth other than their own would be something a person you’re sleeping with would be willing to do anyway, unless you’re sleeping with a dentist – or maybe someone with a tooth fetish.

In the shower with my wrist immobilized, I realized I could only shave one armpit. After some rather elaborate contortions, I managed to slice off a few hairs, but since it was still winter and no one but me would see my armpit, hairy or otherwise, I decided it wasn’t worth the effort.

And speaking of armpits, when you have a broken wrist, your armpit is your fallback – for everything from carrying laundry to opening a jar (though regrettably inadequate for childproof caps).

I was soon referred to an occupational therapist, who I hoped would give me tips on hooking my bra. Alas, I had to figure this one out on my own (again with the assistance of my armpit). He did, however, give me exercises that eventually helped me to use both hands again to navigate my underwear.

And in case you ever need them, here are one-handed bra-hooking instructions:

  • Grasp bra firmly by one cup with your good hand
  • Swing the hook part around your waist so it’s in the frontbra
  • Lift your boobs up with the crook of your arm, so you can see what you’re doing
  • Hold the eyes (the things the hooks go into) under your arm
  • Push the hooks and the eyes together with your elbow, attempting to keep the material straight so both hooks fasten instead of just one, necessitating an expletive or two while starting the process all over again
  • Hope for the best
  • When eventually successful, use elbow to push bra around so the cups are in the front
  • Pull straps onto shoulders with your good hand
  • Either:
    • Resign yourself to doing this every day for at least a month
    • Start going braless

 

Explode, a comedy thriller….Spontaneous combustion, or murder?

 

 

I’m currently working on the second comedy thriller in the Silver & D.J. series, Dying Upside Down:

Michael is found hanging upside down in a sex harness wearing nothing but pink lace panties, strangled by the matching bra stuffed down his throat.

Stay tuned for more!

Here’s the first one: Explode